If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
You Might Also Like
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.