Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Always
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.