friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I have a type: disappointing
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.