[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.