Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable