I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
The photographer’s assistant
Life is a suicide mission.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.