I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.