The perfect label doesn’t exi-
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m calling the cops.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.