Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?