[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!