I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes