I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”