Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Every time my phone rings
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
We decided to have money instead of children.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?