me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
never deleting this app.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?