Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”