Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.