“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Was it something I said?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me