“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Meowchelangelo
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??