Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Watermelon Boss!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.