Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.