[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.