My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
hey, alexa
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Don’t talk down to me
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”