Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
When they try to steal your moment.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life