Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Introverted vegans go meetless
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢