The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?