My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…