*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
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New mindset, who dis?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.