I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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asked my bf how work was today
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*3.5 thank you very much.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.