If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.