My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
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Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.