I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
crochet youtube is brutal
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!