“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.