When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy