Pat is about to own someone
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man