Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses