POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
incredible text to wake up to
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree