“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*