[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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Ha
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.