You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.