my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons