*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
there’s probably a fee though
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.