Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Ah..makes sense now
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.