Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”