Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Put this video in the Louvre
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.