Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed