Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
my professor scared me for a second
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I hate when that happens.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store