WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
You Might Also Like
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.