I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
You Might Also Like
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Wednesday
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no