[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.