doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x